It's Always The Same Ending: Alone
by SilentPatronus
Summary: Not giving anything away. One-shot. I am never writing anything like this again.


**I wrote this as a test to see if I could manage it. I actually had to think about it with plastic dolls because it made me too upset. If this ever happened I would never ever get over it. Ever. **

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Bloodied hands were the least of her concerns as she tried desperately to wipe the tears from her eyes. Frozen. She couldn't move. She couldn't speak. Almost as if she were paralysed she looked at the body lying on the pavement in utter shock. Her tears now drenching her shirt as they fell from her chin. Her hands ice cold and were almost blue. She didn't notice; she didn't even notice the rain, as her eyes were fixated on his body. She blinked repeatedly wishing desperately this was a nasty nightmare and she would wake up. This was not happening. This was not real. But it was real.

Her moment's shock was saved by voices shouting towards her but they sounded like distant echoes as she blocked out everyone and everything. Were people speaking to her? Were they even bothered? Did anyone even care? She turned her head from the figures rushing towards her; she turned her head away from the body and into the road. Tire marks and spots of paint were the only remains of the past five minutes apart from the body. It was a blur. It happened all in a split second.

_"Hurry up Jac we haven't got all day."_ _He had stopped at the corner of the pavement waiting for her to catch him up. _

_"Go and get the car I will be with you in a second. I need to make a phone call first." She had called back to him. He'd nodded and sauntered off towards the car._

_The rest was a blur. She remembered seeing it. The car. She remembered shouting. "Get out of the way." The next minute the car was gone and he was lying on the floor motionless. As she had walked over to him she spoke, "move you idiot. Move," not quite believing that it had all happened._

Soon she felt arms engulf her trying to drag her inside but she fought them off shoving them rather violently unaware that it caused the man to stumble backwards but he understood. He always understood. He was one of the few people that did. But now not even _he _could make things better. He nodded, "I'll page Mo."

A burst of anger suddenly surged through her. She screamed. The same pair of arms came for her as others surrounded the body blocking her view. She gave way to her emotions burying her head into the chest of a man who had his arms wrapped round her comforting her. She had no more energy to scream and so her words came out as a mere whisper. "Save him." She repeated, "save him." Her fist pounded on the chest to let out some of her steam as she turned her head to see the body on the floor. She couldn't see. Why was everyone surrounding him? What was happening? She shuffled slightly bringing her friend with her to get a better view. She needed to know; she needed to see the severity.

Bloody oozing from the head. No doubt there were many lacerations across the man's chest as they ripped of his shirt in order the see the damage that was done. He was motionless and it was determined his pulse was weak and his BP, falling. Those attending to the victim were finding it difficult to hold in their emotions and a deeper sense of urgency was evident in their voices. Naturally she was concerned over what she could see and hear. She knew the medical jargon and understood what was going on when the defibrillator came out. Knowing that panicking would be no good she took a deep breath and shook off the arms that were wrapped round her. "I need to help." She said firmly. No one looked up as they were too focused on the job not wanting to get distracted not wanting their emotions to take over. She found herself raising her voice slightly in a panic. "I want to help. I need to help. Let me help."

No one looked up but an authoritative voice spoke. "Just go inside Jac. Let us do our job." It was clear his voice was cracking and he wasn't his usual self. The pressure of treating one of their own was getting to the best of them. His eyes were red and puffy, as he looked Jac in the eye. "Please" She turned to go until she heard the same voice shout. "He's going into cardiac arrest again we need to get him into the ED immediately."

A nurse nodded and scuttled off to presumably grab a stretcher and Jac's comforter was again by her side directing her towards to emergency department. She let him lead her as her head turned watching them attempt to save the man. She cursed at herself for freezing, for giving in to her emotions. She'd let him down. He'd hate her now. She suddenly wanted to run, it was all her fault. If she had only kept up with him, if she hadn't told him to get the car, if she hadn't let him stop in the first place none of this would have happened. It was always her fault.

Entering the emergency department people turned round to see the redheaded consultant, the one they'd heard horror stories about, walk in looking weak and pale. News had not yet reached all parts of the hospital and it was no surprise to see frowns etched upon doctors and nurses' faces. It made no sense. The woman who never blinked, the woman who scared anyone, the woman with no feelings was walking into the ED with tears rolling down her face and a man who had his arm wrapped round her and was also fighting back tears. Something was wrong, very wrong.

She was taken into the relative's room and was forced to sit here and wait for news. All the time she'd have to go and break bad news to patients' relatives she never thought she'd find herself on the other end of it all. In a heartbeat she was isolated, alone. Assuming that her friend had gone to notify the staff there was nothing she could do but wait. What was she expected to do? Think? She was a highly skilled surgeon and yet there was nothing _she _could do to save him. It suddenly felt so wrong, her feeling so helpless. She should be out there doing her job. 'No', she thought. She should be at home now throwing insults every time he attempted to wind her up but instead she was here.

It was at least a couple of hours until someone brought news. People had been in and out making sure she was okay; well that's what they called it. She was sure they all wanted a glimpse at the human Naylor. Her friend had ditched her for his girlfriend who was also in need of some support and it took her a lot of thinking to realise she wasn't the only one affected. If it had been her lying on the table then very few people would have bothered, that she was sure. But he was a popular man, everyone loved him, everyone knew him and it wouldn't surprise her if many were deeply affected by it. When someone eventually came in to tell her that he was stable and now conscious she didn't think twice before leaping up out of her seat and wandering off before the situation could even be explained. She wasn't an idiot and knew there was a long way to go but he was alive right now and that was all that mattered.

She pushed open the door to his private room and after spotting her a nurse nodded and left them alone. She walked over to him slowly. He was propped up with pillows and upon seeing her enter smiled.

"God you look terrible anyone would think you're the one who got run over." She laughed a little. He hadn't lost his ability to make a joke at her expense. She shook her head.

"You're an idiot Maconie."

"You wouldn't have me any other way."

"Shut up and put on your oxygen mask before you get told off." He laughed but ended up coughing and she helped him put the mask to his face. She pulled up a chair next to him and sat down.

"I'm sorry," she began. He turned to look at her as she spoke and she grabbed hold of his hand. "I shouldn't have made you wait."

"It's not your fault." He whispered through gasps of air and she helped him hold the oxygen mask in place. "Jac?"

"Don't talk." She told him sternly.

"I love you."

Before Jonny released the grip in her hand and his BP fell causing the machine to go off. Jac was restless and this time refusing to clam up she knew what she had to do. She started the chest compressions immediately and within moments she was joined by clinical lead Zoe Hanna who forced Jac out the way and took over the job. Jac stood there shouting directives trying to make an impact but was told that if she couldn't be quiet she'd be removed.

It wasn't long before a distressed Mo who had tears streaming down her face joined her. "What's going on they said he was fine? They said he was alright."

"He arrested." Jac said finally after pausing for a minute staring at the bed where nurses and doctors surrounded him.

"Jac, you should get something to drink." Sacha suggested but she shrugged him off.

"I am not leaving him." She said finally so instead Sacha led Mo away not wanting her to see her best friend in that state. He didn't want Jac to be there either but he had little hope in persuading her.

She watched on as the doctors continued their chest compressions, minutes went by and there was no change and all of a sudden there was the nod. The nod that she never wanted to see, the two words she never wanted to hear. "He's gone." She watched on, eyes watering, as the doctors put their heads in their hands and the time was announced. Zoe flounced off and Ash tried his best calmly walking towards her to explain. She knew. He was gone. But she wasn't giving up.

"No, this can't be happening. We can do something." She pushed Ash out of the way running towards the body and tried resuscitating him herself. She felt people try and pull her away but she kept going.

"Jac, stop. He's gone." The American's voice sounded. She turned her face away from both Jonny and Michael she didn't want anyone seeing her like this. It was over.

"Go." She said to Michael. He understood. She wanted time alone to digest the news, some time with _him_.

His face was battered, he looked a real mess but that didn't bother her. She knew she loved him. She knew those times she'd spent crying over him, over their failed relationship meant something. She knew the last time she felt any kind of emotion like this was because of her mother, her _family._ But the truth was _he _was her family and now he was gone. She held his hand and brushed her hand through his hair. He looked so unlike himself. The man who is always smiley, cracking jokes just lay there. He looked peaceful.

"I'm sorry." She said slowly. "I am so sorry." She repeated herself. She knew when she spoke to him earlier that he thought he was going to go. She didn't even get time to tell him everything. She promised herself one day she would tell him and now it was too late. She would regret it she knew it. But for now all she could say was, "I love you," before she was joined by Mo.

She turned towards the registrar and smiled slightly and got up to leave so that Mo could have some alone time with him. When passing Mo she was surprised to find Mo's arms around her and she awkwardly hugged her back. Mo whispered in her ear. "He was really proud of you. He loved you and don't ever forget that."

Jac nodded, "thanks."


End file.
